Don't say bad words



That was my parents telling us not to say bad words. Once there was this fad in school that you're cool if you utter the prohibited words. My mom heard me swearing at home and she slapped me so hard in the face that her fingers made a mark on my cheeks. Boy did I learn my lesson!



I was at Blockbuster's today renting some movies for the weekend. Two teenage girls in front of me caught my eye because they're wearing the tiniest shorts I've ever seen, not to mention the very revealing shirt. They also have piercings on their face and on their bellybuttons. And oh, they have tattoos too! I noticed that I wasn't the only one looking because everyone else gawked at them when they uttered the "f" word. They were so upset because they were charged late fees for the 6 DVDs (or games) they returned today (that are due yesterday?!). They insisted they've returned it on time but didn't drop them on the dropbox - duh?! Also, the cashier insisted that there's one game missing from the bunch. Of course they got upset again and swore some more! In the end, they just stormed out of the store.



What does their parents teach them?! They have no respect for their elders! Pity because they're both pretty. I wanted to smack them right then and there but of course I restrained myself. When they left, everyone in line had something to say about that incident. I guess their attitude is a reflection of how their parents raised them.



I'm glad my mom pacified me when she heard me swearing.

Talk about grumpiness....

Here's an exerpt from my conversation with hubz last night (H is hubz; M is me).

M: Tampo si lola kasi di mo daw siya binibisita or tinatawagan
H: Gusto mo linggo-linggo ko siyang puntahan eh
M: Hindi naman, pero sana kung matatawagan mo siya weekly.
H: Sino kaya ang hindi tumatawag?

Ouch!

Maybe he's grumpy because he's having a bad hair day - or something of that sort.

I know I'm so bad at calling my family. Not that I haven't been trying. I do - I try to get in touch with them but I couldn't get through. I've been calling my brother almost everyday last week but he's always out of coverage area. I have also been constantly calling grandma but her phone kept ringing. She told me yesterday that she was at her brother's place almost the whole week. Good thing I was able to reach her because she plans on going to her sister's house the next day and won't be back until Sunday!

Hubz said he bought a new cellphone for my brother because it seems that his old one (which he inherited from hubz - an antique, hihihi) is giving him problems. Hopefully I'll be able to call them a little more often.

I just kept quiet when he said that. Of course I was hurt because I felt the sarcasm in his voice. I just didn't want to say anything and blow the whole thing out of proportion. During these times, I have learned to bite my tongue. If only my friends could see me now - they used to call me the modern Gabriela you know.

Ah, the things you do for love....

Decypting a 7 year old email....

I was forwarded a cute email from a friend's daughter. She has difficulty spelling tagalog, tee-hee! She came to the US when she was two years old, just starting to baby talk. She's now 7 and in school. Here's an exerpt from her email.



***********

Subject: miss ko then ikow!



kamusta na! si k parang indipa ina ubos ang pagkaeng ya. miss ko na ikaw. anong

gingawa mo?



************



It felt like reading a text message from some barok texter in Manila. I found it cute though, because if you talk to her, she can still talk back in Tagalog. Her parents trained her well. They speak Tagalog at home, and they're only allowed to speak english when they're in school. Even her younger brother and sister (she's the eldest) can converse fluently in Tagalog. Great job - J and L! They truly haven't forgotten their roots.



I admire kids who grew up here but haven't forgotten how to speak, or at least understand tagalog. In the Philippines, people admire english-speaking children. I remember going to the mall with my then-bf-now-husband when we heard a little kid speak to his parents in english. Hubz said he'd make sure he'd have a kid like that - one who can speak fluent english. That's not impossible, especially since we plan to raise our kids here in the US. I'm sure they will even be better english-speakers than us. But, like my friend, I hope I can instill in them the appreciation of their roots. After all, being bilingual is definitely a plus.

I Asked God Why...

Just when I feel the urge to ask God "why" sometimes...

*****************

I asked God why I wasn't rich.
He showed me a man with the wealth of a thousand kings,
who was lonely, and had no one to share it with.

I asked God why I wasn't beautiful.
He showed me a woman more beautiful than any other,
who was ugly because of her vanity.

I asked God why He'd allowed me to become old.
He showed me a boy of 16,
who lay dead at the scene of a car accident.

I asked God why I didn't have a bigger house.
He showed me a family of six,
who had just been evicted from their tiny shack,
and were forced, to live on the street.

I asked God why I had to work.
He showed me a man,
who couldn't find a decent job,
because he'd never learned to read.

I asked God why I wasn't more popular.
He showed me a socialite with a thousand friends,
who all left the moment the money and parties were no longer there.

I asked God why I wasn't smarter.
He showed me a natural born genius,
serving life in prison for making ill use of his knowledge.

I asked God why He put up with a thankless sinner like me.
He showed me His Bible.
He showed me His Son
who took my place at the judgment.
I knew then how much He loved me.

Single or Married?

I received an email from a friend the other day. I was copied on the email - it wasn't sent to me directly. It read "mga misis....". She later realized that like all those on her list, I'm also a Mrs.

Do I feel like I'm married? I sometimes don't. My routine hasn't changed. My husband is not physically present with me here - at least not yet. I still have the same single friends whom I go out with from time to time. I'm not pregnant nor do we have kids yet.

When I got married last year, I thought my life will drastically change. Ok, don't get me wrong, it did change - though not as drastic as I expected it to. I now consult hubz on financial matters. After all, it's our money - not just mine or his' anymore. Before I buy anything valuable, I'd have to consult him first, sort of ask his permission, and he does the same thing too. I inform him of my plans to go out with friends, and he tells me of his whereabouts as well.

I thought I'd be alienated from my single friends after I tied the knot. The fact is, they need to get used to the idea that I'm now a married woman - with or without my husband by my side. You can say I'm sort of "in between" being single and being married. I can't totally relate to married couples yet because our only challenge is the fact that we're far apart. We don't really argue a lot, nor do I get bothered by his unpleasant habits as we don't live in the same roof anyway. On the other hand, I've outgrown my single life and I sometimes feel I can't relate to my single friends either. I'm not "kilig" seeing handsome men around. After all, I'm really contented with the one I have.

So, am I single or am I married? I think it's just perception. People are just used to seing married couples "together". But they also need to realize that "togetherness" goes beyond the physical. I feel special because I have a husband who loves me dearly - enough to be faithful to me all these years.

In the end, no matter what others think, it's what hubz and I feel that actually counts. Our marriage is more than the wedding ring on our fingers, it's more than the intimacy and each other's physical presence. It's a feeling beyond words... beyond space... beyond distance...

Call me "The Bag Lady"



I get these funny looks everyday. Men, women, even children eyeing me with curiosity because I'm hauling a minimum of two bags a day. First, a shoulder bag which contained my necessities and valuables. Second, a bigger shoulder bag which contained a walkman (for the audio books I listen to while on the train), work papers that I take home with me daily, the book that I'm currently reading (mostly hardbound). You can just imagine the weight of both on my shoulders. Add to the pack my lunch bag. Then, from time to time, I'm trotting with me a gym bag as well! No wonder people look at me like I'm a little off. Even I know I looked hilarious!



Why all these bags? For as long as I could remember, I have carried with me several bags, and heavy ones at that! From my school days where I have to haul them up the stairs (to the 4th or 5th floor) up until now, and even when I travel. Some people have security blankets, I think I have what you call "security bags". I feel nude if I don't have even a single bag or a purse with me - even on little trips to the grocery.



I remembered being teased that I have our whole house in my bag. My classmates would even hush themselves (when talking out loud) because "I have my mom sleeping inside one of my bags". To pay tribute to all the bags - big and small - I carry with me everyday, I was christened by a teammate as being "the bag lady".



So, when you see someone as weird looking as I do with all those bags in tow, think of me, will you?

Dream with No Boundaries....



I watched the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympic Games in Athens, Greece the other night. It's amazing to see the look of awe in each of the athlete's eyes. It's truly a dream come true for them. It's the culmination of all their hardwork, perseverance, and determination.



There is an athlete in each of us, if only because we have dreams. Big or small, they fuel our day to day lives. We work hard because we want to achieve them, and we are determined to reach our goals. There are times that we encounter bumps along the way. Times when we feel like giving up, but we continue to pick ourselves up and go on. We were taught that quitters never win, and winners never quit. As life's athletes, we share the same determination, perseverance, hardwork, faith, and patience like those that are in Greece to compete.



In late elementary through high school, up until college, I have been exempted from my Physical Education classes. I could never participate in strenous sports activities because of a vehicular accident when I was 11 that gave me my second chance to live. I didn't learn these values (including teamwork) from sports. I learned it from my journey through life.



If I listened to all the "you can't", "you won't", "it's not possible" comments, I wouldn't be where I am today. Instead, those same comments guided me to prove them wrong.



God didn't set boundaries on what we can dream of. He didn't set limits on what we can achieve. I believe in the power of the mind. When we say we can do it, and truly believe it in our hearts, nothing is impossible.



In Athens, they say "let the games begin". In life, we say "let the dreams begin"....

A Mean Comment



It's Friday - a day everyone in the team detest so much. Some of my teammates have been telling me they're losing sleep over the fact that today is the day they'd need to give their status to our boss. Not a pretty picture!



To make the story short, we got through the hour that didn't end up as bloody as last week's. Before the meeting came to an end, our boss made a comment that she's been working for the past couple of weekends doing some administrative stuff. I made a snide comment "so what's your status?". I know, cruel huh?! Jokingly, she asked why we're being mean to her, and that we'd actually miss her when she's gone. I regretted having said anything after that.



I'm a very polite person - thanks to my parents who raised me well. No matter how tough my boss had been to us these past few weeks, she doesn't deserve a sarcastic comment like that. I felt guilty, and I wanted to say sorry. Fortunately, when I talked to her in the afternoon (to review the report), she was cordial about it as if nothing happened - thank God!



What can I say - I'm truly very sorry E! I promise to bite my tongue next time.

A Quiet moment....

We have a picnic today but I decided not to come to work. I haven't been feeling very well since yesterday but after popping in 2 nyquils last night, I'm feeling a little better. Still, I didn't want to expose myself and get worse. Everyone left work at around 11:30 to get to the park. It's almost 2pm and I'm still working - quietly for a change. It felt good not to reply to any emails, nor answer any calls!

I thought that after my teammates left for the park, I could give myself a break and rest. However, I'm trying to make the most of my quiet time to accomplish a lot more. Maybe around 3pm, I could log off and attend to my errands. I need to go to the grocery to buy a few toiletries and some key ingredients for a cake, then go to Michael's to buy a scrapbooking magazine.

It's J's 9th month birthday and we offered to celebrate here at home. Theirs is currently in a mess because they're having their flooring changed. We'll probably just buy dinner for tonight since it's just going to be me, my roommate, J's parents, and her elder brother. I'm planning to bake and decorate a cake, but this all depends if I'm up to it.

As far as the scrapbooking magazine goes, I'm planning to start on a new hobby. Hubz asked me last night where I am going to get the time to do it. I know he was getting worried about me, especially when I'm getting sick. He would remind me everyday to take my vitamins, sleep right, eat well. Those were my kilig moments. It's a great feeling to have someone care for you, even when they're afar.

I wanted to start scrapbooking because we have tons of wedding and honeymoon pictures, and photos from my most recent trip home unorganized. Besides, I love looking at scrapbooks. I call it a labor of love because it's not easy to put one together. Anyway, I have been told that it's a relaxing activity as well. Maybe I can call it a de-stressing activity.

Howdy?



I often hear people ask "how are you?", to which I'm not sure if they really want to know, or it's just part of their expression. I don't even know if I should give them an honest answer, or just say "I'm good" and let it be done with.



This morning, while I was at the pantry preparing my cereal for breakfast, one of my daily "how are you" greeters came in and asked just that. I winced, not uttering a single word but my expression gave it away. Mostly, I would say "I'm pretty good" - out of a rehearsed reply, but not really reflecting a truthful answer. Of course, a negative response meant further questions.



One of my teammates came by yesterday to give me fruits. She said I look like I needed some cheering up. Another teammate sent me an email today asking how I was because I didn't sound good when he was talking to me. I get reminders like I need to slow down, or that I ought to give myself a break. Their concern keeps me going.



To be honest, I'm really tired, stressed, and sleep deprived. Even when I sleep, I dream of the work I have yet to do. I know, it's quite pathetic, but it can't be avoided, especially when your superiors harrass you everyday to remind you of the things you need to accomplish. It also made me realize me why I don't like women bosses in the first place. They're very demanding, obsessive compulsive, control freaks, and detail oriented.



Do I sound like I'm sourgraping? It's just that I haven't had a woman boss that clicked with me. Oh wait, let me take that back. I did have one - but only for a couple of months - 6 weeks of which I was in Manila for a vacation. Does that count?



So, the next time I'm asked how I am, maybe I just ought to keep my mouth shut, and ask the question back at them.

Confessions of a Library-holic



If there's a frequent library visitor award, I'd probably be vying for the title. Not only do I frequent the city library, but I borrow tons of reading materials, or CDs, or DVDs, even audio books. I'm there almost everyday - especially on days when they close at 9pm.



They say that 90% of the library's funds are coming from property taxes. Boy, am I making the most of what I'm paying for!!!!



Ok, so I love libraries. Even in college, if you need to find me, just go to the library and I'll be there. I just love to read - books, magazines, or whatever I can put my hands on really. Growing up, we didn't have money to buy books that are not a necessity for school, and so, to satiate my appetite for reading, I'd find my way to the school library and immerse myself on tons of them. Maybe they're to blame for my constant daydreams too!



One good thing about my commute to work is that I get a lot of time to read. Since I take the train and then a bus to work, I have hours to kill. I read on the train, then take a short nap on the bus going to work. On my way home, I take a nap on the bus, read while waiting for the train, listen to audio tapes on the train. Funny because on my way to work in the morning, I have no problem reading while the train is moving. Going home though, I get dizzy if I read. That's where the audio books come in.

A Lesson Learned

I just finished reading a John Grisham novel - Bleachers. It's a far cry from his usual courtroom drama novels or lawyer stories. It's a nice read though - a bit inspirational if I could say so. It's a close resemblance to a Mitch Albom's book entitled "Tuesdays with Morrie". The story revolved around a coach the players loathe when they play football for him, but one whom you'd end up loving. You realize that he was not only teaching courage and determination on field, but that he's actually teaching his players to face and deal with life's hardest blows.

I have had teachers like that. I don't necessarily hate them when they were my teachers, but they truly taught us a lot of wonderful things that helped us cope with college and the life thereafter. One of them passed away a few years back. She was my english teacher during my senior year in high school. I used to be a very shy girl (I know, quite unbelievable huh?!) - so quiet, timid, and naive. One thing I fear the most - speaking in front of people. You could call it a bad case of stage fright. Part of our grades is to be able to deliver speeches - oratorical, extemporaneous, and the like. You will never be able to graduate without completing them.

I don't know how she did it, but Miss C (Missed C, as she would sometimes call herself being an old maid, but which would elicit laughter from her students) encouraged us to overcome stage fright. I remembered delivering a speech about "The Good Thief" for our finals. It's a speech about one of the thieves crucified with Jesus - one who sought forgiveness with his dying breath. Almost at the end, I forgot the words - probably because of stage fright, so I made them up. My classmates applauded me, and thought I did very well. I was proud of myself. I didn't know I had it in me.

Another critical part of our grades was to keep a journal of our everyday lives, our very thoughts and feelings. It was tough at first, but I learned more and more to open up. As she went through each journal, she would scribble notes on the side, sometimes correcting the spelling or grammar. However, she was more concerned of the content than the format. She would even scribble words of wisdom, sometimes comfort if it was about a problem. It was then that I dreamt of becoming a journalist. Of course, it didn't come true, but that was another story.

From time to time, college students - those whom Miss C taught in high school, came back to school to thank her for the lessons they've learned. When I got to college, I felt I ought to do the same, but I never got around it. Until she passed away.... How I wished I told her how I valued the lessons I learned from her in class.

In college, I became a speech instructress - teaching freshmen how to enunciate words. I excelled in my English classes. I also realized that I have a knack for extemporaneous speaking. When I'm nervous, I tend to think better and faster. In fact, when I defended my thesis, I had a full panel made up of top-notch professors, including our Department Head. Need I say I aced that one? I guess they were more interested in seeing me speak than in reviewing my thesis.

On my first job, I joined Toastmasters to hone my speaking skills more. I would come in, deliver speeches, never needing to prepare for any one of those. The last speech I delivered for TM was in a competition. I was merely wearing jeans and shirt. I had no preparation whatsoever because prior to that, we were busy packing. We were moving out of the house I grew up in. I was in jeans because right after that speech, I need to head home because it was that same day that we were to move out. I was told that the speech was impeccable. I even saw tears in the audience's eyes when it was over. The judges asked for a copy of my speech. They were shocked to the core when I told them I didn't have one. It was totally impromptu.

I still miss standing in front of the public. I miss the look of admiration in my audience's eyes. It had been so long since I did that, and I'm not sure if I still had that touch in me. Miss C only taught me to overcome my stage fright, but in the process, she developed my public speaking skills. The best part of it all - she developed in me the confidence I didn't realize was there all along. The shy, timid, quiet, and naive girl is long forgotten.

Thank you Miss C. You are truly missed!

The Streets of Metro Manila



A scene so familiar in the streets of Metro Manila - children begging. Everytime I come home, I see these sights and I'm sick to my stomach.

A dayÂ’s worth of blessings

I was taught, even at an early age, to count my blessings daily. Even on bad days, I try to think of good reasons why I ought to be thankful for another day. It keeps me from whining. It also helps me appreciate life a little better.

1. Thank God for Fridays! I have been looking forward to weekend since Monday this week. It had been a long haul for me, but I survived it!
2. Thank God for friends! I had lunch with friends today - one of whom celebrated his birthday the other day (Belated happy birthday D!). It was a sumptuous buffet at Todai's - one of my favorite places. We went back to work with full tummies and sleepy eyes.
3. Thank God for another day! Everyday, while taking a bath, I utter my silent prayers - first of which is to thank God for giving me another day. Some people die in their sleep you know.
4. Thank God for my job! I may dread going to work on most days, but at least I still have one.
5. Thank God for the chance to talk to my husband last night! Even when my phone bill is sky-high, I make it a point to call hubz every night. It's the only way we could keep the communication line open. He keeps me posted on how his day is progressing, and I keep him informed on how my day went. On not-so-good days, I take comfort knowing that he's there to hear my woes out.

I had an earful of sermon from my boss today regarding how our projects are progressing. It seems like I get a dose of these everyday that it goes into my right ear, and exits my left one. What can I say - people are working as hard as ever, and if the zombie-like look in their eyes isn't evidence enough, I don't know what else is.

On days like this, the more I need to remind myself that there are still a lot to be thankful for - and so the list goes on and on and on....

What's in a N-A-M-E?

I get asked when I am going to carry my husband's name, what my new last name is, or when I am going to change my name. For personal reasons - reasons that has something to do about my husband's petition to come to the US, I haven't changed my name, and my husband understands that.



Really, what's in a name?



If I don't carry my husband's name, does that mean I don't love him enough? Does that mean he isn't important to me?



Well, if it ain't obvious, he's the most important person in my life now. After all, we're a family. Plus, he knows I love him dearly.



I told him that when he's here (hopefully soon), I'd hyphenate his name with mine. He agreed because he knows that I've built my reputation around the name my father gave me. After all, I have been carrying it all my life.



I have known women who, after getting married, decided not to change their names. I respect that. I truly believe that marriage shouldn't be measured by carrying a common last name alone.



We all have our reasons. We can debate over this for hours. Women ought to have the option to keep their names, and not be criticized or questioned by that choice. After all, sons are able to carry on the family's name, but daughters' can't. At least not in the society we're in, or not unless you're an unmarried woman with children.

I'm a sucker for a good love story. I love watching romantic movies. I enjoy reading romantic novels. As a little girl, dreams of a handsome prince sweeping me off my feet kept me up until late at night.



I met hubz more than ten years ago because of a common friend who introduced us to each other. If someone told me then that we'd end up getting married someday, I would've rolled my eyes, laughed, and shrugged it off. Ours wasn't a perfect realtionship - it was a tumultuous one! I was as stubborn as a bull (living up to my Ox sign). A lot of times, I can sense he wanted so much to give up on me. I'm sure glad he didn't though!



After we got married, I was more in love with my husband than ever before. I love the feeling of waking up in his arms. You can just imagine how cold I feel now that I'm back to SFO on my own. There's no better feeling in the world than to spend your lifetime with someone you love more than life itself.



To tell you the truth, I have a hard time imagining myself being just a plain housewife. So it surprised me how I could voluntarily adjust to being domesticated. Last year, when he went to work, and I was home, I'd make sure I have his breakfast prepared. We would dine together before he goes off to work. I would also prepare the clothes he'd wear for work. I even made sure I prepared his lunch. After work, I make it a point to be home to ask how his day went, or give him a little shoulder and back massage. It was a great feeling being a wife. In fact, I'd gladly give up my professional life any day if I will be asked to choose between being a wife (and a future mom) over my career.



Being apart from him is just something I will never get used to. If I used to smile when I watch or read love stories, I would now shed tears. I wish ours is as easy as those written on books, or seen on movies.



This year, we will be celebrating our tenth year anniversary. As I look forward to fifty or so more, I just want to express how much I love my guy. Everyday, I pray that immigration laws will soon change so we could be together faster.



I'm a long distance wife. People still ask how I do it. I take it one day at a time. I may look brave on the outside, but if you really look inside my heart, you'd see the pain of being away from a loved one.