On tying the knot and having kids...



A couple of years or so ago, I was plagued by the never-ending question – “when are you getting married? You’re not getting any younger you know” or “your biological clock is ticking girl – better get yourself a man”. Of course I was bothered! Seven years ago, if I was asked that question, I’d simply shrug it off and say “I’m immensely enjoying my life, and I don’t need a husband to make me feel that”.



To me, marriage isn’t something you look for. It comes to you when the time is perfect, and when the person whom you would declare your undying love is right. I wasn’t ready then to get married because I have a lot of things that I wanted to do with my life. I do not want to get married and find myself that later, as I grow old, I’d regret not having followed my dreams. I hate to sour-grape. I wanted to grow old and be able to tell amazing stories to my grandchildren – places I’ve seen, things I was able to do, people I was able to meet, challenges I was able to face and overcome. I wanted to grow and prepare myself for a life of commitment and responsibilities.



At 28, my grandma started to nag on me to get married. She was afraid that I’d end up an old maid. It was then that I knew that the time is right – not because she was nagging at me, but because I know I was ready. So when Clifford finally expressed his intention, I happily said yes. It was probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I cannot begin to imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else but him. I love and adore my husband immensely. I cannot even imagine that I have the ability to love like this.



Now that we’re married, the questions became different. It’s no longer about when we’re getting married, but rather when we’re going to have children. Of course we want to have kids. It’s not as if we’re not trying. We just see it as God’s way of telling us “it’s not the right time yet”. Whatever the reasons are, we believe in our hearts that God knows of a perfect time. It’s just painful how people would ask sometimes. I just wish they’d be sensitive to how they’d feel if they’d walk a mile in our shoes.



There’s an article I read that got through to me – “a woman shouldn't be measured by her ability to bear children. Likewise, it doesn't make her less of a woman just because she can't have or she opted not to have kids”. For me, it’s not just meant for women per se, it’s meant for the couple in general.



Lastly, I married my husband not just because he could give me kids, and I believe he married me not because I can bear children. We married each other because we wanted to grow old together. We married each other because we couldn’t imagine living with anyone else. We married each other because of love… And you couldn't find a better reason that that.

Remember the adage "Curiosity killed the cat"?. In my case, my curiosity caused my laptop to crash! You see, I was having problems with the upgraded Yahoo Mail. Whenever I open my inbox, it hangs me up, and I have to sign out and sign back in again. It's soooo irritating. A friend told me it might be because I have an older version of Internet Explorer. So, I went trigger happy in the web, trying to find a downloadable version of IE. After downloading, it gave me an error message that it wasn't successful. Some files were not updated (or something to that effect). I turned off my laptop and voila, the next day, it won't even boot anymore!!!!! A friend tried to resolve my problem but it was irreversible I guess. It was looking for so many missing files that copying them one by one would probably take us forever. The diagnosis - reformat my laptop!



Since I have had my computer for almost 4 years, I decided I am in need of a new one anyway. As soon as I found something I fancied, I immediately bought it (without thinking twice). I told my husband about my frustrations last night, and I believe I have his approval to buy a new one. So, I am writing my latest blog using this new laptop!



Lesson learned - never irritate a woman because our answer to that - shopping!!!! And boy, we can splurge when we're in the state of frustration.

Well, so much for planning to go to the gym in an attempt to "unstress" myself. I told myself I was going to logoff at 4:30, take my trek to the gym, and work out for at least 45 minutes. After my 4pm meeting, I had a few follow-ups to do, a number of teammates needing something, and was being given heads-up that the migration I've been waiting for all day is on it's way to our group inbox. I ended up leaving the office at past 6pm!



On my way home, I received a text from my husband that gave me a chuckle. He told me to be careful, eat well when I get home, watch a little TV, give him a call before I go to bed, then I can call it a day. What's funny is, I thought my scheduled tasks were only limited to what I do at work. You see, I have to follow a certain schedule, armed with my to-do list daily, or I'll never accomplish anything. Everyday becomes a challenge not to lose sight of what I needed to do for the day. It's like being pulled in ten different directions most of the time. So, a friend at work even teased me that with this big a release, I'm feeling stressed because I'm trying to take on everything. Well, I have a reputation for that, even from a long time ago.

The B*tch in Me



I'm being a b*tch lately, what with a bad case of PMS, add to that the stress at work, then being far away from my husband again. I think it's enough to drive anyone to the brink. I feel like a hurricane wreaking havoc to anyone who comes near me, or who dares to piss me off.



While talking to my husband last night, I asked him if I could come home for good because it's tough to be away from him really. He told me that I can always pack my bag and come home if I wanted to, and leave everything I've worked so hard for. That brought me back to reality.



All my life, I have made a lot of sacrifices - for my family, for my loved ones, and now, for my future children. I sometimes feel I'm tired and I'm ready to call it quits. But, I'm not known to quit, and never in my life had I ran away from challenges.



In today's gospel, the Lord has challenged us to carry our own Crosses and follow Him if we truly love Him. I felt guilty for almost giving up on mine. True, it's tough, and I sometimes feel I'm on this on my own. That's not true because God is with me. I fail to see Him there because I was too busy and too proud to carry it alone.

June 12 (Philippine Independence) is way past, and I just remembered this post I wrote on my journal while in Manila. This entry was written on April 21, 2004.



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Corregidor, a Symbol of Freedom



We left Manila en route to historic Corregidor. The tour took us to World War II ruins, remnants of bombed out structures, and to artilleries used during the war to ward off Japanese soldiers entering Manila Bay. Corregidor served as the Philippines' bastion against the invaders.



Walking down the rugged path, we somehow got a taste of history. We can walk freely without worrying about enemies shooting us to death, stray bullets or granades flying by - thanks to those who fought and gave up their dear lives to ensure we'd enjoy what today brings. It stirred in me a deep sense of patriotism that have long been put to sleep.



We enjoyed the island's serenity as we were the only guests who stayed overnight. We'd sometimes scare ourselves talking about ghosts and restless spirits in Corregidor. Fortunately, we never experienced nor felt anything paranormal.



The sunset at Battery Grubbs was amazing. The sunrise equally breathtaking at Eternal Flame in Topside. I cannot help but stand in awe of God's majestic creation.



Thank you Corregidor - for making us realize the value of our freedom and the precious price our ancestors paid for it.

Un-stressing stress....



I have only been back to work for a little less than a month but I feel spent already. From the time I came back, I burried my nose into reading materials so I could catch up on what I've missed while on vacation. I was given the huge responsibility of leading the October install testing effort. October release is the biggest our company has ever seen - with 18 projects impacting our systems, 25 QA staffs, 19000+ manhours!!!! No wonder I feel stressed.



My husband sent tips on how to identify if one is stressed, and how to un-stress yourself. Most of it applies to me. I'm irritable these past few days, snapping at anyone who crosses my path, even for petty reasons. I always feel exhuasted. Coming home, I don't feel like doing anything else except maybe to go to bed. Maybe I ought to follow the tips to un-stress myself like dragging myself to the gym to restore my energy level. It proved effective before.



I go to work to attend meetings almost all day. I try to squeeze in some work in between (if I ever had one). I try to help everyone else. I try to stay on top of issues so when my boss asks, I always have a ready answer. I have to keep track of everyone's progress. I am expected to be politically correct most of the time. Worse, since I am unable to finish work during office hours, I have to do it on weekends.



I'm not complaining. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I somehow welcome the diversion. It keeps me away from feeling depressed, and from a sudden bout of loneliness.



A busy mind is a healthy mind... I just hope I can keep my body as healthy too.

A Trip Home



After almost five weeks of vacation in Manila, I'm back to my empty life here in the U.S. Going back to San Francisco turned out to be one of the most painful experience yet again. When I bid a temporary farewell to my husband at the airport after he unloaded my baggages into my cart, the scene tore my heart to pieces. There is no appropriate word to describe the feeling.



When I came home to see my husband, I know that going back will be inevitable. I delayed it when I was hospitalized, but I know that after some time, I'd have to go. This was a choice we made and we have to live with it, whether we like it or not.



Ours is a story of every single OFW bearing the pain of working overseas for a chance of a better life for their families in the Philippines. In our case, we wanted a whole new world of opportunity for our future children. We wanted to give them the best life possible. We wanted the sacrifice to end with us. We do not want them to dream of going to the U.S. when they grow up to have better lives because that is exactly what they'll be able to have. Still, it doesn't make it any easier for me and Clifford.



The pain of being away from your loved ones is just too difficult to bear. I feel like a robot everyday - doing my own thing, minding my own business, living an otherwise empty life, engrossing myself to work so I would, for a little while, forget what I'm missing. I'm trying to keep a happy face when I'm with other people, but at night, I would at times cry myself to sleep. Oh how I envied people who are with their families!



Everytime I come home, I feel like I'm just torturing myself. Sure, I'd be extremely happy for that whole time that I'm there. We try to squeeze a year of being away from each other in those 4 or 5 weeks that we're together. When I leave, it all goes downhill from there. It would take me a while to adjust back, only to find myself leaving for Manila again.



How does one get used to the idea of being together a little bit, then parting ways again? You don't. The pain will always be there. The only thing that kept me going is the fact that I know this isn't permanent. I know that somewhere, somehow, sometime, all these will end. If only I could move time forward...